To Ride the Relationship Escalator — Or Not
“Where is this relationship going?”
If you have ever been asked that question, you have been on the relationship escalator.
It consists of a sequence of steps — dating, living together, marriage, children — that supposedly define a “healthy” relationship.
But is this really something to aspire to? Let's find out.
I.
The term relationship escalator refers to the idea that a “proper” relationship has to move through a sequence of steps:
You start dating
You become exclusive
You move in together
You get married
You have kids
Each of these milestones is visualized as a step on an escalator. They carry you upwards towards a climax (= family/kids).
The term “relationship escalator” was originally coined by blogger Amy Gahran on her great site, “Solo Poly.”
II.
At its core, the relationship escalator is a merger. It takes place on multiple levels.
Merging of identity. You go from being an "I" to being a "We." You are not "David" or "Susan" anymore — you are now "David and Susan."
Merging of lifestyle. Most choices must now be consensual. If you want to vacation in Peru, your partner must also be up for it.
Merging of sexuality. If you are into kinky sex and your partner isn't, you must now find a middle ground.
Merging of resources. Whatever you own — money, real estate, personal belongings — now gets pooled.
Merging of legal responsibilities. If you get divorced, a court will now decide who gets custody or who must pay whom.
III.
The relationship escalator expresses a biological urge — the urge for procreation. It sets the stage for kids — whether we are aware of it or not.
IV.
Biology might be at the heart of the relationship escalator, but it’s carried out through the social script:
It’s your partner asking, “Where is this relationship going?”
It’s any romcom telling the story of how they finally got together.
It’s your pastor talking about “healthy” relationships.
It’s your married friends exclaiming, “You guys are next!”
It’s your mother pressuring, “When will I have grandchildren?”
It’s Fox News rambling on about the nuclear family.
It’s women being slut-shamed for having recreational sex.
V.
Per se, the relationship escalator is neither good nor bad. It all depends on what you want.
Some people sincerely enjoy the relationship escalator — the journey, the emotional security, the societal approval. If that’s you, then the relationship escalator will greatly enhance your life.
But the danger is that many people step onto the relationship escalator without knowing what they are getting into.
They just blindly follow the social script, but never consider the long-term consequences:
45 percent of all marriages end in divorce.
47 percent of married couples have sex less than once a week.
The cost of raising a child is estimated at around $270,000.
Alimony is about 40 percent (depending on the state).
Once you have children, your life is effectively on hold. Many of the dreams you had will get postponed or never happen.
Escaping your 9 to 5 becomes much more difficult when you have a family. You have little financial wriggle room.
Long-term travel becomes extremely difficult when owning property and having children.
If you understand these risks and still want to take a ride on the relationship escalator, then more power to you.
But if you have serious doubts, it’s time to look at alternative relationship models, aka non-monogamy.
VI.
Non-monogamous relationship models are a beast of their own. I won't do them justice here. But I at least want to give a few quick pointers.
Understand — there is a cost to going against your biology. At some point, jealousy will hit you, and it will hit you hard. But you can learn to deal with it.
Don’t try to convert other people to your beliefs. Rather, find people who are already open to the idea of having a non-escalator relationship. Even better, find people who have already done it.
Prepare for shaming. Your parents will call you abnormal. If you are a woman, others will call you easy. If you are a man, others will call you irresponsible. Shrug it off.
In the end, it comes down to this. You can give in to social expectations now and regret it later. Or you can do the hard thing now and have relationships that are exciting in the long run.
I have recorded six YouTube videos so far, but still haven't published any yet. The search for a thumbnail designer turned out to be more complicated than I thought. But getting there. The first video might still go online in March. Fingers crossed.
Until next week,
Niels