How To Walk Away From Someone You Love

Are you struggling to break up with someone?

It can feel impossible to cut ties with a lover. We are too emotionally entangled.

Let's look at how to deal with that.

But first, check out my newest YouTube video: Why Our Relationships Fail—And What To Do About It. Leave a like! I would really appreciate it.

I.

You need to be crystal clear about your objective.

If you approach your partner about breaking up but only seem half-convinced, they are going to sense that. They will try to change your mind.

This is bad for both of you.

The two of you will go back and forth. Hopes will surge only to come crashing down again. In the end, you will come to resent each other. All because you couldn’t make up your mind.

So, before you say anything, sit down with yourself. Ask yourself, “What is my motivation for breaking up?”

Am I …

… really done with the relationship?

… threatening to break up, hoping that things will change?

… trying to inject some drama/excitement into the relationship?

Only the first reason is valid. Stay away from the other two.

II.

At some point, you need to sit down with your partner and have “the talk.”

There is no scenario where you have the talk and feel good about it. Even the most self-possessed partner will let you know how disappointed they are in you, if just through their body language.

It’s just the nature of these things. Prepare for it.

Don’t ghost them. Sure, if it was a just fling and everybody knew so, you can let it fizzle out.

But if the two of you had some type of a long-term relationship, do them the courtesy of letting them know what the deal is.

Just put yourself in their shoes. If you were in love with somebody, and they suddenly disappeared, you would go crazy from pain. Don’t do that to anybody.

III.

Don’t spout platitudes like, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Let them know the actual reasons why you are leaving.

You are talking to a person that, for a long time, you shared your deepest secrets with. Why would you stop now?

It’s not even so much about them. Above all, you want to be congruent with yourself. You don’t want to be the kind of person who resorts to lying as soon as the situation gets a bit uncomfortable.

If you give in to these tendencies now, you will do so again in the future. And it will get easier every time.

It will spoil your character. Lying to avoid confrontations has that effect. You will be dissatisfied with yourself as you realize what a weasel you have become.

Don’t do this to yourself.

IV.

Most people who get broken up with become argumentative.

On the one hand, they want to justify the mistakes they made. On the other hand, they want to point out that you also made plenty of mistakes.

Either way, don’t engage.

This is not the time to argue. You probably had the same arguments a million times before and they didn’t lead anywhere. Why would they now?

This is the time to call it quits.

Give them an honest, short assessment of why you are leaving them. When they start to argue, tell them, “I don’t want to argue about this. I have made up my mind. If you have any questions, I will answer them. But I won’t get into a fight with you.”

Now, many people will try to draw you out, e.g., by insulting you. At this point, simply get up and leave.

V.

Once you made up your mind, you should remove yourself.

However, in a relationship between mature adults, it is rarely necessary to banish the other person from your life forever.

On the contrary, it can be highly rewarding to remain friends. Some of my most cherished confidants are former lovers of mine. It’d be much worse off without them.

My rationale — if I let someone get close to me in the first place, it is because they are exceptional people. Such people are hard to come by. So why would I get rid of them, just because we ended our relationship?

The right cadence is — initially, you want to create distance. Think 6 to 12 months of little to no contact, possibly longer. This will allow both of you to move on.

Once that decoupling period is over, you can now meet again, and assign each other new roles in your lives. You will see — often, this platonic continuation of your relationship will be more rewarding than the original, sexual relationship.

Oh, relationships. The highs and the lows. I am a bit fed up with them at the moment, more focused on work. I am sure that will change again. Anyway. I wish you a great weekend, with or without your partner(s)!

Until next week,

Niels