What I Would Tell My Younger Self — About Sex

Sex was a central theme of my life for many years — I worked as a dating coach, I was in open relationships of all kinds, and I dated several sex workers.

But all of this happened somewhat later in life for me. For the longest time, I was as clueless about sex as most people. I figured it out as I went, and often, I let my delusions about love and sex get the best of me.

Here is what I would tell my younger self to speed up the learning process.

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I.

"Okay, listen up. At various points in your life, people will tell you to do the conventional thing — be in a monogamous relationship, get married, and have kids. You will get this from partners, you will get this from family, and you will get this from friends. And sometimes you will be tempted to go along, just to get their approval.

Don't.

There is of course nothing wrong with these things — if you truly want them. But don't choose them to pacify others. If your gut is telling you to explore, explore.

II.

All the crazy stuff you want to try — try it. It's worth it.

If you want to have a threesome, have a threesome. If you want to try the swinger lifestyle, frequent swinger clubs. If you want to date several people without lying about it, find the right people.

When you bring these ideas up, some of your more conventional partners will tell you that this stuff might be a nice fantasy but will feel disturbing in reality. That's not true. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but if you are trying it out with other embracing, open-minded people, it will start to feel good really quickly.

The reality of it will eventually outperform the fantasy. Never doubt it.

III.

Get over any remnants of puritanism. Sex is the most natural thing in the world. You don't feel ashamed for having to eat or having to sleep, do you? So, don't feel any shame about being a sexual being.

IV.

Never get mad at people who are struggling with guilt or shame when it comes to sex. Don't look down upon them. You got lucky because you grew up around parents who had a healthy relationship with sex and passed it on to their children. Some people didn't get so lucky. Who are you to judge them?

V.

Always, always use protection.

VI.

The key to all of this is learning to talk to strangers. In essence, whenever you see someone truly attractive to you, you want to be able to approach them. Most of the time, they won't be interested. That's okay. But a few times in the future, it will rock your world. Not just sexually — these people will come into your life and change everything, and most of it for the better.

But to experience this, you will have to talk to thousands of strangers. It might sound easy now, but it will be one of the hardest things you ever do. The anxiety beforehand. Fumbling for words and feeling like an idiot. The endless rejections.

It will force you to face your big ego. But it will be worth it.

VII.

Cultivate your friendships with gay men and women. You will learn more from them about sex than from any other source.

Most straight people have very unrealistic notions about love and sex (including yourself, young Niels). They think that love is something that will somehow, magically come to them, that attraction is unpredictable, that there is nothing like a sexual marketplace where people compete with each other, etc.

These notions are naive, but widespread, especially in the heterosexual world. Having gay friends will counteract this. Some of them will call you out on your delusions, and it will set your head straight. Be thankful for the lessons."

There are a million things more I would say to my younger self — he really was quite clueless. But I suspect that 20 years from now, I will feel the same about middle-aged Niels.

What are some of the things you would tell your younger self about sex? Shoot me an email!

Talk to you soon.

Niels