How To Find Your Tribe as an Individualist

Do you struggle with finding your tribe? Here is what you can do.

I.

If you are reading this newsletter, chances are that you are an individualist. You are someone who doesn't fit in with crowds.

You are repelled by the oversimplified answers they offer. Where everybody is blindly following the social script, you like to ask questions. Critical questions.

However, you are also a human being. You crave social contact, a sense of connection. Without it, life feels dull.

That's a dilemma.

The problem is that you can only respect other critical thinkers. You don't need to agree with them about every issue. But you need to see that they can think for themselves too.

Such people are hard to come by.

II.

There are three solutions to this dilemma:

You can cast a wider net

You can move to a better pond

You can build a personal brand

None of these solutions are quick fixes; implementing them might take you years. But all of them are worth it.

III.

You must cast a wider net.

Most people have a fatalist approach to making friends and finding lovers. They only utilize the social context they find themselves in.

If they went to college X and ended up at employer Y, that's what they will use — the people they met at these places.

But everybody outside of these contexts is off-limits.

It's insanity when you think about it. We see hundreds or even thousands of new people each week in passing.

The potential! Some of these people could become inspiring, lifelong friends. Some of them might rock our sexual world.

Yet, we let them walk by.

You need to overcome this. You need to do what everybody else is too afraid to do — you need to reach out to strangers. Every day and in every conceivable context.

By constantly reaching out, you are bound to find at least a few other kindred spirits, people who share your values.

The key is numbers. From my experience, you have to talk to around 1,000 new people to find one truly outstanding friend (or lover).

Granted, that is a lot of effort. But it's doable. The more interactions you have, the quicker you will be able to tell if you are compatible with somebody. And when you finally meet another outlier, it will have all been worth it.

IV.

It's not enough to cast a wider net. You also want to be at the right ponds.

That means geographical mobility.

If you are an aspiring country artist, maybe you don't want to stay in Circleville, Ohio. Maybe you want to move to Nashville.

If you are into ENM relationships, maybe rural Alabama is not the best place for you. Maybe check out Portland or Berlin.

If you love Brazilian jiu-jitsu more than anything in the world, what are you doing in Kansas? Go to Rio.

By being in the right place, you will massively increase your chances of ending up with the right people.

As a perpetual traveler myself, I can guarantee you, there is a right place for anything. You might not have heard about it yet, but it exists. You just need to find it.

Two things are required to begin this quest. You need to make your money online. And you need to live a minimalist lifestyle.

The first one is obvious. Having an online business will allow you to work from anywhere. You are no longer bound to an employer in a certain city.

The minimalism thing is less obvious. But owning a lot of stuff will tie you down just as much as your 9 to 5. Owning thousands of things means owning an apartment; means paying rent; means being stuck in a certain city.

So, start getting rid of your stuff. Simultaneously, start building a location-independent business.

And then go find your pond.

V.

The last option is to build a personal brand.

It could be a blog, a YouTube channel, or one of the various social media platforms. Go with whatever format appeals most to you.

Now, regularly produce helpful content around your values and your ideas.

It's akin to a radio station. You are sending out a signal into the world. And if you keep transmitting, eventually, the right people will pick up on it.

For this to work, three things need to be in place.

You need to have the courage to show yourself as you are. If you present too much of a curated front, you won't be noticed by the right people.

I understand that most of us are afraid to do this. For example, I was terrified when I first started talking about my ENM lifestyle in public. But you grow into it.

Also, the pushback we fear from friends or customers is usually less severe than what we expected. We secretly admire those who show themselves, even if we don't agree with their convictions. They dare when we don't.

The second thing is value. Yes, you want to show yourself as you are. But at the same time, you want to help others with something you can help them with. Navel gazing won't cut it.

The final thing is consistency. It takes a lot more content than most people imagine to be noticed, especially with all the noise online.

The first 50 blog articles you write will go unread. The first 100 videos you create will get no views. The first 500 Twitter posts will hardly get any engagement.

But if you keep at it, it will happen.

And once it does, it will blow your mind. You will hear from people from all over the world, who think like you, who feel like you, and who want to be closer to you.

You will understand that you are not alone. There are other wonderful, critical individualists out there. And the more you intertwine your lives, the more joy you will all experience.

Okay, I'll shut up. But as always, feel free to reach out; I'll get back to you as quickly as possible. Otherwise, until next week.

Niels