A Few Ruminations on Age

First of all, Happy New Year. I wish you all a great 2025 and that you achieve your goals and do so while staying healthy and being surrounded by people you love.

Another year gone by also got me thinking about age.

I am 44, turning 45 this year. So not young anymore, but not exactly "old" either. Middle-aged (terrible word).

When I was young (20–30), I dreaded growing older. I thought life would be over. It would be all routine, commitments, and middle-class dullness.

In more recent years, my outlook has changed. As I grew older, I grew happier. I also noticed that people older than me were often a joy to hang out with. At this point, I will take a "cool" old person over a "cool" young person almost any day.

The first time I realized this was when I spent a winter in Playa del Carmen, Mexico a few years ago. I loved Mexico — the people, the food, the beaches.

What I loved less were the hoards of youngish, pretentious digital nomads hanging out at coffee shops (like me). The gibberish I had to listen to — it was all ice baths, "spirituality," and techno parties.

Don't get me wrong — all of these things can be enjoyable. I have enjoyed them. The problem is being so concerned with belonging. These people constantly had to signal to everyone, "I am with the in-crowd." That tendency is pronounced in the young.

In contrast, I remember meeting another traveler in Bali one day, a few winters later. I was dropping off my laundry when he started talking to me. Within minutes, I was spellbound.

This guy was 75 (looked like 55), and boy, did he have stories to tell. He was a former drug dealer, well-read Marxist (not my ideology of choice, but still interesting), had fought in Vietnam, done the whole counterculture thing, etc. And he was far from done. He was still traveling, still having adventures, still having sex, still reading and learning.

He was fully, truly alive.

It was after this encounter that I started thinking about how age might make (some) people more exciting, not less.

What I have noticed since then is this — age, in a good sense, makes you care less. You simply can't be bothered anymore by what the mainstream or the "in-crowd" wants you to think.

You are less worried about being canceled so to speak. So what, if people don't agree with your free-thinking ways? You have realized that life is finite and that the opinion of superficial people counts for little.

Also, sex. With some women, as they grow older, there is a brilliant transformation going on. Where younger women might feel pressure to act coy and "guard the goods," middle-aged and older women are more likely to reject these expectations. Realizing that life won't go on forever, they start taking charge of their sexuality. They will call things what they are, and if they want something, they will take it. It's refreshing.

Vice versa, some older men tend to act less desperate than their younger counterparts. They have already had plenty of sexual experiences, and don't go out of their way to add another notch to their bedpost. Also, female friends tell me, they might pay a little bit more attention to their partner's needs during sex.

Finally, the projects you take on and the people you spend time with. Again, as you grow older, you understand that this won't go on forever. One day not too long in the future, you will be gone.

As a result, some older people start to develop a no-nonsense radar. They might quit their jobs and start doing something they are truly passionate about, even if makes them less money and comes with more instability. But they would rather experience meaning in the time they have left.

Same thing with whom you let close. The amount of fools we put up with when we are younger, just to be seen as pleasant. Many older people rightfully refuse to play this game. If you are a valuable addition to their life, they will appreciate you and tell you so. But if you are a fool, you will be shown the door.

It all comes down to this — once people start realizing their most precious resource (time) is limited, some start wisening up. They stop with the pretenses and embrace self-honesty.

It's a wonderful thing to witness and a great reason to seek out the company of older, self-liberated friends. And it is also a reason to look forward to growing older yourself. Life does get richer — if you do it right.

To be clear, for aging to be enjoyable, there have to be two things in place — physical fitness and mental curiosity. Physical health is self-explanatory. You must stay lean, muscular, and flexible.

This is more doable than ever. I know people in their 50s and 60s who kick my butt in BJJ training. But they put in the work. They are meticulous about their nutrition, their training, and their sleep.

Mental curiosity is harder to formalize, but even more important. You must grow more awake, not less. Read, read, read. Observe. Meet new, intelligent people from all walks of life. Be interested in every conceivable worldview, even if it doesn't align with your own. You want to be able to look through anybody's eyes. This mental elasticity is what I notice in all my older friends and it is what I feel so drawn to.

I have been working on a longer article about the "relationship mess," but it's a tough one. I am excited about it, but the actual writing is going slowly. So, there might be a few of these shorter newsletters in the future.

I also still need to respond to several people who were kind enough to write me after the last newsletter. I haven't forgotten, it was just a busy two weeks.

Until next time,

Niels