5 Signs You Might Be Suffering From a Victim Mentality

I've been involved with the whole personal development community for close to 20 years now. It started with me wanting to get better at dating. Next, I got heavily into productivity and "Getting Things Done." The paleo diet and ancestral health followed. Then I went location-independent, Tim Ferriss style.

It's been an exciting journey and one that is long from over, I hope. There are just so many interesting ways to actively improve yourself.

That's the very idea of self-help: You are in charge. You can create a life that you truly enjoy.

But here is the strange thing: Never will you meet more people blaming their ill fortune on someone else than in the self-help world. It attracts exactly the kind of people that are most averse to its core principle.

I know because I used to be one of them. All these attractive women that didn't want to date me? Well, they were probably gold diggers. Me constantly being stressed out — how could I not be, with everybody dumping their messes on me? Gaining 30 pounds over the course of 2 years — it must be a genetic thing.

I fell for the victim mentality, and I fell for it hard.

It just feels so cozy. You don't have to do much. You don't have to take risks. Most importantly, you don't have to own your past decisions. There is always some external force to blame.

This coziness comes with a heavy price tag, though.

If you have a passive take on life, one where things happen to you, you will never be successful. Life will not go out of its way to help you. On the contrary, it gets worse over time. Bad decisions (or no decisions) compound.

Why can’t we get this right? The big stumbling block — most of us are not even aware we are suffering from a victim mentality. We might easily recognize it in others, but we are blind to it in ourselves.

To do away with this problem, you must first realize that you have a problem. You must learn to spot the telltale signs of the victim mentality.

How To Spot the Victim Mindset in Yourself

Here are five signs you might be suffering from a victim mentality.

1. It's Never Your Fault

That team member of yours who missed an important deadline? Well, maybe you shouldn't have given them the project in the first place. You always knew they were unreliable.

The problem could have been avoided — if you had thought about it beforehand. Never expect other people to suddenly act more reasonably.

So, it was your fault after all.

2. You Keep Complaining About the Same Few Things

Everybody loves a good rant, and I'm no different. Every once in a while, you need to blow off some steam.

But — if you keep lamenting about the same things, you should grow suspicious of yourself.

Yes, your job sucks. But you know what? It will continue to do so unless you finally get off your butt and start applying for different jobs or, even better, start your own business.

In reality, it's not your job that is to blame, but you — for being too lazy to do anything about it.

3. You Cite Evil Powers

"The system is crooked. To make things better for everybody, we must lobby for systemic change."

Of course, the system is unjust. Those in power favor themselves. Big surprise.

But you can waste your life getting hung up on these injustices. Or you can zoom in on the alternatives that you do control and live a great life.

For example, if you don’t like how they tax you in your country, move to a different country with a more favorable tax system.

The problem is not with higher, evil powers. There is always a loophole. The problem is that we don't want to take matters into our hands.

4. You Project Your Shortcomings on Other People

This one I am especially prone to. When things are not going my way, my preferred coping mechanism is to project on less successful people.

"Why doesn’t he lose some weight/get organized/take more initiative?"

It's a sneaky way of delaying action. As long as you are busy getting upset about someone doing even worse, there is no need to deal with your own mess.

5. Nothing Ever Changes

Always look at the historical data.

If nothing has been moving forward in your life — your work, relationships, health — that's due to a victim mindset. You refuse to take responsibility for yourself.

It’s not the job of the universe or society to make things happen for you. You either take responsibility, or everything stays the same.

How To Overcome a Victim Mentality

You should assume that every bad thing that happens to you is your fault. Because, in most instances, it is.

The difficulty is that we can't see far enough. When a bad thing happens to us, we can not yet connect the dots and understand how certain behaviors of ours led to this point.

Here is an example from my own life. When my first major relationship ended, I was heartbroken. How could she do this to me? How could she let me suffer instead of taking me back? Why would she get with another guy so soon after?

I was wallowing in self-pity. It took me a long time to get over it.

But when I finally did, it was not because I had demonized her (everybody's favorite strategy after a break-up). It was also not because I went all teary-eyed and "forgave her."

I only got out of the pits when I finally took over responsibility. There was plenty to man up about. Me behaving unattractively. Me not paying attention to her anymore. Me having an incompatible life plan with hers.

I'm not saying it was all my fault. But that's not the point. The point is — you can only control your own actions. But control them you must.

In my case, that meant learning about relationship dynamics and how to manage different expectations. It also meant implementing new, more attractive qualities.

This event is what got me started on my whole self-improvement journey in the first place. And so this newsletter has come full circle.

I would be interested to hear about your light-bulb moments. When did you first realize that it’s only up to you to create solutions? Shoot me a message!

Longer newsletter than usual. I enjoy telling more personal stories, but it takes several hours to write. I might have to scale back on the weekly rhythm. We'll see.

Until next week,

Niels